I woke up Mother's Day morning thinking maybe I should take the last test I had, after all no need to waste those expensive tests even though this one happened to be from the dollar store. After going to the doc yesterday and testing positive for strep throat and the doctors going through their routine questions, what symptoms was I having, when did they start, any fever, diarrhea or vomiting, etc, and the most important when was my last menstrual. It got me thinking, although I was never one to be regular at all, I was a couple days late, compared to the last couple of months, ironically not taking my PCOS meds, cause frankly I was sick and tired of the idea of taking any medicines. Of course I told them there was no way I was pregnant, but even though I said I had let go of the idea something told me this Mother's Day morning to take a test.
So, first thing I dragged myself out of bed and peed on the stick and within seconds there were two lines. After 2yrs, of taking negative tests I had tried to protect myself by telling myself they were all negative, although it never seemed to make it easier. Shocked and beside myself are not even the right words to express how I was feeling. I ran the best I could, strep throat was kicking my tail, to the kitchen to find Ryan and heard him driving up into the driveway, he had taken Charley (in her Christmas pjs mind you, lol) to the store to get me flowers and a Starbucks card. I said, "I got something to tell you and please don't freak out!" And began to tell him I took a positive test but didn't trust it being from a dollar store and I needed him to go to CVS and grab another test. I'm pretty sure he just looked at me with a blank stare. He loves our kids to death but the idea of another kid to him was never an idea at all, he told me on July 28, 2011 that we could stop protecting and see what would happen (although we hadn't been careful since April, hearing him say it was a dream) to make me happy and see basically just allow God to do His thing, which was huge for him!
I brought Charley inside with me and he went to the store, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact I could seriously be pregnant, but at the same time part of me was still in that protective mod. He came back with tests and of course I tried to pee on one right away and didn't have enough tee tee so I ruined it, Ryan said, " do you know how expensive those things are!" Typical Ryan and I laughed and said, " not as expensive as a new baby," he didn't find it too funny.
I drank some water and waited about the longest hour I my life and tried again and immediately there were the two stripes again! I went to show it I Ryan and he said, " we'll you're pregnant I guess, happy Mother's Day! If it weren't for being so sick I'm sure I would have been jumping off the walls, I did call my momma right away and we just cried together praising God for how great he is!
I always wanted to be that person that God spoke to in one way or another and have amazing stories to tell about how I heard his voice and now I do! Part of me never gave up on that Quiet Time moment I had on August 18, 2011. I was going through the study One on One, which by the way if you haven't heard of it, its truly amazing, changed the way I read His word and talk to Him! One of the biggest things I learned was how to picture, ponder, and pray. Which basically really teaches you to chew on His word and try to picture what it is He is saying to you. My reading was from Romans 8:18-39 These were some of the key verses that I wrote down.
24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[i] have been called according to his purpose.
It was so clear to me it was scary...He told me I was to have another baby but I had to wait patiently.
I never prayed so boldly or confidently basically voicing to God that I knew He was going to give this to me and I was going to wait like His word told me too. I prayed for several months for confirmation of the picture I received, asking Him to show me that it wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me. I would like to say that I got confirmation and maybe I did and didn't recognize it or maybe I shouldn't have asked and trusted my picture, I don't know. I would also like to say I stayed confident in my prayers and just trusted Him but probably close to a year later my prayer turned into asking Him to take my desires away and give me a heart of contentment or help me be patient if it was indeed supposed to happen. As much as I wanted a baby I wanted His will more.
These last couple of months I wasn't sure what to pray (v.26). It so hard to be hopeful after 2 years of seeing fertile friends getting pregnant (which brought me back to my first pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage and 10 months of trying to get pregnant with Brady, not to mention being surrounded by 10 pregnant people, including my sister, sister n law, and best friend) and not feeling like I'd gotten confirmation one way or the other from God again. Part of me felt guilty for asking for more when he had blessed me with so much more than I ever needed or wanted and another part of me was just tired, tired of being let down each month and tired of just the on going not knowing. So April officially made it too years and something just snapped, I let go which I had done over and over again before but this time I didn't try and take the reins back. I didn't have to give up, I just had to let go, and that's when it happened, His way and in His timing.
I'm so thankful we have a patient loving God... God Is Good All the Time!
I will cherish every minute of this pregnancy, even the sick days, fat days, and I feel miserable days, because is truly is a gift from God.